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The Christian Parenting Handbook consists of 50 short chapters, each presenting a different parenting strategy. For the next 10 days,I will be sharing some personal reflections on those strategies that have had the most effect on my parenting. Parenting is hard. And it’s often said that it doesn’t come with a manual. Well, I disagree. I believe that parenting comes with the Bible as a manual. This book helps navigate this ultimate manual.
It is my earnest prayer that you will be blessed by my words.
Heart Parenting Strategy:Consistency is Overrated
I knew this book was for me when I read chapter one, titled Consistency is Overrated. I’ve been told over and over by experienced parents, doctors, church teachers, parenting book authors, and my mom that the key to good parenting and producing obedient children is consistency. It baffled my mind that despite what I consider to be some pretty consistent parenting, we were still struggling with some behavior issues, frustrating all of us. It was just good to hear someone say that consistency isn’t everything.
Over the years we have used many systems of reward and punishment, hoping that something would be a catalyst to convince Ben to behave in ways we expected of him. We consistently punished poor behavior and consistently rewarded good. Sometimes this worked. But, sometimes the punishments just became harsher and harsher because, well . . . many times the lesser actions didn’t do a thing. As Ben grew older, I found that often he was either attempting to bargain with me or I was warning of coming consequences if he did not comply. For example:
“Momma, if I finish my homeschool work without arguing, how long can I play on the computer?”
“Dad, if I mow the grass, how much will you pay me?”
“Ben, if you don’t clean your room right now, you won’t get to go on tomorrow’s play date!”
And yes, sometimes I yelled those words, some days more consistently than others. And if he did not clean his room, he didn’t go on the play date. I was almost always consistent with that.
So, most of the time, this strategy worked, and Ben complied by cleaning his room or mowing the grass. What I noticed, however, was that we were only seeing behavior changes, not heart changes. Ben was doing what he knew he should be doing, not because it was the right thing to do, but in expectation of a reward or to avoid the negative consequences. As time went on, the bargaining for rewards increased and I yelled more.
What I learned is that consistency is great if all you are aiming for is behavior modification.
But that’s not all I’m trying to do as his mom. I’m aiming for a much higher goal than this.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. (Colossians 3:23)
Children, all of us really, were created with a spiritual heart. It is from that heart that our words and actions spring forth. I can reward and punish Ben every day, all day long, and never affect change on his heart.
For those of you who are thinking about how well-behaved your children are due to your parental consistency, the book provides this warning:
Parents who simply use behavior modification often end up with kids who look good on the outside while having significant problems on the inside. Consistency can teach kids to appear good, clean, and nice, but to help them change their hearts, other parenting skills must be added to the picture.
This begs the question, “what other parenting skills?”
In one phrase — teach them diligently.
You shall love theLORDyour God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:5-9)
While consistency with our kids is necessary, it is more necessary that we are providing creative opportunities to teach them what it means to “love the LORD your God with all your heart.” This is moreabout discipling our children the same way Jesus discipled his apostles — by being with them every day, talking with them, teaching, training, and setting the example. And by giving them opportunity to grow in their own faith.
What am I doing differently with Ben?
We talk more.
Not every act of disobedience is a punishable offense.{tweet this} Sometimes, poor behavior can be more of a learning opportunity. A deep, meaningful conversation, covered with Scripture and prayer, can go much farther in reaching a child’s heart than a week without computer time.
I praise Ben more.
Parenting Ben is not always been easy. What was easy is getting mired down in all of the impulsive behavior and disobedience so that the only words I spoke to him were words of chastisem*nt. Finding opportunities to praise him are not hard though. I just have to look. He does things every day that please me. Those things just got overshadowed sometimes. Now, I spend more time looking for opportunities to praise him.
I make sure that Ben has at least 30 minutes a day of my undivided attention.
He is allowed to come to me at any time to request it, with the guarantee that if at possible, I will stop what I’m doing to spend that time with him. We might play a game together, or he may have something he wants me to share with me, or we might just snuggle. Whatever he wants to do. This shows Ben that he is important to me. It ensures we are connecting on his level every day. It helps me keep his heart.
Most important of all, we’re memorizing more Scripture together, and we’re spending more focused time in the Word.
Oftentimes I am strategically reading from certain passages or choosing verses that speak directly to issues with which Ben struggles. Like telling lies, for example.
When Ben is hiding the Word in his heart, he is learning to love the Lord his God with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his strength and with all his mind, and he is also developing a way to recall truth in individual decisions and actions. Many times in recent months, I’ve watched him make a different decision because he was able to recall specifically what God says. Is he perfect? No. Is he growing? Absolutely.
So, if you want to use consistency in parenting your children, my suggestion is to be consistent in praise, consistent in spending time together, and consistent in Scripture study and memorization.
And sometimes receiving an unexpected monetary reward for mowing the lawn can do the heart good, too.
10 Days of Heart Parenting is a series God laid on my heart after I read the book,The Christian Parenting Handbookby Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, R.N. Be sure to click over toread the other installmentsof this biblical parenting series.
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